After my ninth sold out Aspen Connect conversation held at a venue that I had set my sights on from the inception, rather than feeling as though I had arrived, I felt so very lost.

If I could define what it was to drive me to produce eight back to back events in 9 months, I would say that it was the disconnect between business owners that I was feeling as I got more and more embedded into the valley with my work. I also wanted to make my circles smaller. Life is so much more adventurous the more people one knows. But there I was, feeling all alone on my own island I had created, still in financial distress and wondering what that driving force was all about. Could it have been possible that I was so confused that my manifestations were not detailed enough? What if I had a clearer vision as to where I was heading? With no answers coming forth, as per my usual extroverted introverted self my desire was to flee from it all, and so I took off to head back to a place in Mexico that I once swore I would never return to.

My destination was to a completely open-aired palapa roofed home situated right on a beach with it’s own surf break. A place where the last time I was there I had spent eleven unsuccessful days of surfing, even though I had worked hard on meditating my fears away prior to my arrival by meditating and watching surf films like Momentum Generation and Kissed by God. Everybody else was in the outer wave, including my youngest boy of whom I was using as an excuse to protect in the inner wave, that really wasn’t a wave at all but a cool whipped crest over treacherous rocks. After using my daily oms to convince myself that sharks in Mexico were as friendly as the tequila slinging locals in the surf shack, it wasn’t the sharks I was afraid of but rather all the creatures I could get speared by if I put my feet down, therefore I didn’t, only to create bloody shaved skin appetizers from grazing the rocks in ankle deep water.

Since we were there with 12 teens, my husband and I bunked out with half of them. In the beginning of the trip as we lay in our bed, the mosquito netting serving lamely as our only privacy, he did his best to console me with encouraging pleads to join him in the outer wave, but as the once spunky adventurous wife he knew drew more and more inward, he grew further and further away.

Each morning I would drag my depressed self to the dining table in an effort to not worry my hosts that one of their guests had gone dark – and then we’d all drive to the surf with a cleaner break and there’d I’d wave goodbye to my husband as he paddled off behind our hostess, her long sun-kissed lyoness mane blowing behind, tight glutes as round as the ripe coconuts we drank from every afternoon, spilling out of her one of many Brazilian string bikinis. Good-Bye I’d sing cheerfully, my inner voice busting out bassist expletives in sonative measures. Tossing my long frizzy locks back, while separating my white thighs lest the sweat stuck them together forever, I’d grab my beast of a board and wrestle it to the water, taking breaks from being raked over the rocks to sit on the dirty sand with no comfy lounge chair to fall asleep and snore loudly on. All I had was myself to discuss all the things that were wrong with me, and I caved in deeper and deeper pontificating over my escape route.

Before the trip I had turned up the meditation, hoping that it would help me to face my shark and wave fears – and my pebble mantra was put to the test one day where I was so absolutely relieved that we were departing from the regular afternoon surf to instead go to a party at a friend’s house up the beach. Gearing up to join the other lobster red non-surfer party-goers, I grabbed a margi and scanned the room for another alligator floaty. That is when I saw all the kids stripping down to their bathing-suits to body surf in the enormous swell that had come in. “Let’s go play in the waves,” She-Ra exclaimed to her surf partner, my husband, but he knew better and instead suggested that she take me. He had moved his King and the Queen was moving in for the Pawn. The second we got in I got tossed like a piece of tissue in a funnel storm, repeatedly chanting, “Be the pebble, float like a pebble, be the (*_* pebble.”

Don’t get me wrong. The conversation that evening was absolutely beautiful. Another manifestation unfolded. Picture this mother/daughter guests talking about a life lived like none of us will sadly ever know of. A life that is now being documented for a podcast about life lived on a cattle station situated alongside the Pitjantjatjara Aboriginal community in the remote Australian outback.

The event was Moderated by Elise Spencer, the Publisher and Co-Founder of Unearth Women, and former Membership Director for Aspen Public Radio. Unearth Women is the first feminist travel magazine created by women, for women.

The problem was that I was on my own island. I needed a team. My head was becoming very cloudy with the not knowing where I was heading with all of this that I had felt driven to build. Nine incredible conversations in 12 months. And I was spent. And still broke. The community loves my events, but I was not receiving what I required to continue. And thus was unable to clearly see where all of this hard work was going and what my purpose was. One thing I was clear on, it’s impossible to set intentions if one cannot see the ultimate target.

With three teens and financial struggles, I released myself from everything; my work, my responsibilities, my family … if only for ten days and took off to Mexico to join my best friends for a 50th birthday celebration at a private home on a surf break. This all sounds ideal I know, but I was returning to a place I swore I would never go back to. A place where the last time I was there I spent 11 days feeling worthless, depressed and all alone due to my inability to release myself from fear in order to surf with everyone else in the outer wave. Instead, everyday I battled catching the inner wave in the shallows without help, my feet getting bloody on the rocks, my fear increasing as my boys left me to go to the outer wave. 

Looking back I was able to sort it all out, why I plunged.

As I meet my edge with intensive one on one work with Aspen, who sat next to me at an Aspen Business Luncheon, I also am focusing on my health with nutrition, less alcohol, hiking the bowl more and increasing my meditation to both morning and nights, intensifying the clearing of my mind to reach greater clarity.

The beauty lies in my separating the noise which leads to my sloughing off the thoughts that nag and pester. Why not just get rid of the cause of those thoughts once and for all if they no longer serve me – and if they do need attending, I am able to deal with them from a place of intention rather then anxiety.

No lie though – the transition is not smooth, with large spaces of time spent lingering listlessly in a thick large white cream colored cloud, not entirely unfriendly as long as I remain comfortable in the not knowing. My dreams are of being lost and unsafe, where I’m unable to find my phone to contact Wade and find my way back. With Aspen’s guidance, I grow more comfortable in the not knowing and trusting that if I stay focused all will soon become alligned.

What helps me to stay on course is being mindful of the beautiful changes that are unfolding. One thing I know is that I could not be attempting to reach greater heights on my own. We all need others to guide us and elevate us to reach that new place where negative thoughts become more sensible, less destructive, so we may hear them more clearly so more focused exciting ideas unfold.

Epiphanies are happening every third day after my intensive retreats with Aspen. Today I awoke with the thought that I still am unclear as to where I am going and I honestly have not a clue as to what my purpose or intentions are, so much so that I cringe when I hear people asking others those questions, but I am no longer spiraling and am moving forward with almost a delusional idea that I actually can make a larger contribution to this world. I’m trusting the Universe more as it shows me its comical and beautiful magic.

One thing I do know for sure is that my trusting that which is innately driving me, and following the paths that unfold before me, the things that I am wishing for are manifesting before my very eyes – whether I am mindful enough to recognize them and grab the opportunities is entirely up to me. Even if my dreams do not feel so clear, what is absolutely clear is that there is something driving me from the inside that seems to know where I belong.

BUT … and here’s the secret key, you have to believe that if doors are opening, you are on the right track. Don’t give in just because you cannot see it – just feel it until it shows itself to you – it’s directly to the right of your vision and will click into place when you’re ready for it.

With three teens and financial struggles that arise from shitty insurance with Reserve National and Christian Healthcare Ministries (do NOT use these private entities) I took off to Mexico, and then to a private retreat in LA to gain clarity, while releasing myself from everything; my work, my responsibilities, my family … if only for ten days.

As I meet my edge with intensive one on one work with Aspen Decew, who sat next to me at an Aspen Business Luncheon, I also am focusing on my health with nutrition, less alcohol, hiking the bowl more and increasing my meditation to both morning and nights, intensifying the clearing of my mind to reach clarity.

The beauty lies in my separating the noise which leads to my sloughing off the thoughts that nag and pester. Why not just get rid of the cause of those thoughts once and for all if they no longer serve me – and if they do need attending, I am able to deal with them from a place of intention rather then anxiety.

No lie though – the transition is not smooth, with large spaces of time spent lingering listlessly in a thick large white cream colored cloud, not entirely unfriendly as long as I remain comfortable in the not knowing. My dreams are of being lost and unsafe, where I’m unable to find my phone to contact Wade and find my way back. With Aspen’s guidance, I grow more comfortable in the not knowing and trusting that if I stay focused all will soon become alligned.

What helps me to stay on course is being mindful of the beautiful changes that are unfolding. One thing I know is that I could not be attempting to reach greater heights on my own. We all need others to guide us and elevate us to reach that new place where negative thoughts become more sensible, less destructive, so we may hear them more clearly so more focused exciting ideas unfold.

Epiphanies are happening every third day after my intensive retreats with Aspen. Today I awoke with the thought that I still am unclear as to where I am going and I honestly have not a clue as to what my purpose or intentions are, so much so that I cringe when I hear people asking others those questions, but I am no longer spiraling and am moving forward with almost a delusional idea that I actually can make a larger contribution to this world. I’m trusting the Universe more as it shows me its comical and beautiful magic.

One thing I do know for sure is that my trusting that which is innately driving me, and following the paths that unfold before me, the things that I am wishing for are manifesting before my very eyes – whether I am mindful enough to recognize them and grab the opportunities is entirely up to me. Even if my dreams do not feel so clear, what is absolutely clear is that there is something driving me from the inside that seems to know where I belong.

BUT … and here’s the secret key, you have to believe that if doors are opening, you are on the right track. Don’t give in just because you cannot see it – just feel it until it shows itself to you – it’s directly to the right of your vision and will click into place when you’re ready for it.

Girl on surf board – shark biting into board carrying her- leg had been chomped into. I told her to put her other leg on my boat that was a twitter board with a tweet on it and an emoticom – I grabbed a large stick – shark turned to huge humback and floated under our boat – I harpooned it with stick digging deep into its body – penerating – made a huge hole – easy to dig it in – I continued to dig holes when suddenly he breached = could see it’s eye – it rose so high and I knew it was going to fall back on us – drowning us – if it fell the other way – we would be ok – just have to survive the wake it made – it started to fall toward us – shadowing us with its girth – and then it simply sunk down into the sea and the message came, there are no rules in the sea. it didn’t look evil – – it just was – and it start-