I Won’t Back Down

img437My oldest sister Melanie-Mouse, of whom I completely adore and admire, did not read my blog for an entire year. But knowing that her life is so much more interesting than mine, I was okay with that. Then something happened, she read my post, A Letter From My Ten Year Old, and she felt the need to go back and read 160 missed posts all at once.

Now Melanie has become an integral part of my blog, commenting on and bringing humor to every post I write, making sure to reveal the truth about who I am lest I not paint the full picture. The best part of it all is that Melanie is doing something that she should have begun years ago but didn’t because she was inhibited by her Dyslexia and her inability to learn how to use spell check. The thing is that Melanie is a great writer, regardless of the misspelled words and grammatical errors, and she is far funnier and more interesting than I could ever aspire to be. She is also encouraging me to break out of my safety zone and be more true to my writing, which begins with this post.

As far as I can remember, Melanie has considered herself the “Black Sheep of the Family,” a label  I never quite understood. In my eyes she was a funny, beautiful, smart Princess adored by all. She does fall in love with the worst men on this planet who put the Baa into “Black Sheep” and I want to slap some sense into her when she calls me sobbing on the phone to tell me that she doesn’t understand why she got dumped again by another good for nothing man who loves his beer more than her. Michele and I insist that her next boyfriend must pass inspection by us before she takes another leap into the Underworld.

Melanie called me this morning after a weekend spent with Eddie Veder in New Orleans and I surprised both of us by breaking into tears and spewing out a litany of my despair, “I was horribly cruel to Axel this morning when he put two different colored socks on and dumped his backpack upside down, Wade and I have to put our house on the market, my mother-in-law’s father passed away last week, I drank a bottle of red wine by myself last night while I cut all of the boys hair and I am realizing that friends who I thought cared really don’t give a rats ass about me and I am about to get older on Sunday.” Melanie became my oldest sister again telling me that all would be alright and that all mother’s have mean moments and that it wasn’t good to drink a bottle of wine by myself and that sometimes friends can be completely disappointing and that I shouldn’t have such high expectations and that no matter how old I am she will always be older and that all made me feel a whole lot better.

The thing is, I am quite aware that some people see me as being an over privileged person who deserves this fate and that our situation is so much better than the masses of people who are losing their jobs and their homes but that doesn’t prohibit me from wanting to scream bloody murder and run away from it all.

But I won’t back down and I shan’t have a “pity party”, as one anti-fan once said, even if I can’t make enough money to supplement Wade’s income and stop us from having to sell our dream house and even if I can’t stop people from polluting our world with unforgivable oil spills and even if I can’t stop global warming and cyclones and Tsunami’s and earthquakes and hurricanes and world hunger and poverty and disease and even if I can’t prevent the deaths and the hatred, I can still keep this world from draggin’ me down and I won’t back down.

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

Verse 2
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground and I won’t back down

Verse 3
Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground and I won’t back down
No I won’t back down.

12 thoughts on “I Won’t Back Down

  1. I love your blog! And I miss you! I will be keeping you and your beautiful family in my thoughts! I hope it all works out ! Xoxo, Jo


    1. Hi Jo,

      It is so good to see that you read my blog. I need you to whip my ass into shape. When is your next class? I have Thursday mornings.


  2. Amen to this sentence; “I can still keep this world from draggin’ me down and I won’t back down.”
    Good on you and all I can say is that I hope it was a good bottle of wine so you didn’t get a headache.
    Letting it all hang out is not bad, it is good for you especially when you then say that last sentence “I can still keep this world from draggin’ me down and I won’t back down..” thus I agree with your OLDER sister, “you are doing great.” xox Wilma
    .-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Let other women take care of your self-care. =-.


    1. Hi Wilma, that Pinot Noir rarely gives me a headache but nevertheless, I suffer the next day from intense hunger and exhaustion.

      I’m thinking of doing a major cleanse very soon and start from the beginning.


    1. Peryl, and I love your comment! I don’t feel much like a superstar at the moment but your positive reinforcement goes a long way.

      Don’t worry, your four year old will be back. He’s just feeling his oats right now and soon he will be his chatty self again and you’ll forget that he was ever quiet.


  3. Hmmmmmmmm? Where do I start? I suppose with spell check, but how do you use it?
    I just want everyone to know that Jillian is known as super mom. Seriously. Being a super mom must amke it hard to understand that even the best of us, even the most even tempered of us, even mothers like me are so incapable of disaplining my children for fear of hurting there feelings, explode with anger and frustration at our children. Children are occasionaly loud, misbehaved, selective hearing, colored blind when it comes to dressing, fresh, cheeky devils. Being a mother, safety guard, house keeper, wife, cook, chauffer, play date, homework sargent etc….. is alot of hard stressful work. Children are stubborn mulesand can cause parents blood pressure to rise, make our heads spin (watch out Linda Blair) and spew out words we never thought were capable of staying. Any parent who denies this, is lying. It is important to keep meaness toward children in control. If you can’t, get help. But in general a small case of terets syndrome of the mouth is very common. Remember to always apologize and to really work on not letting it happen again.
    Jillian is an incredible writer. To be a real writer, one has to speak the truth which can be hurtful to some people, can make people aware of their own issues. Truth hurts, but to lecture Jillian for speaking the truth is not allowing Jillian to become a creative writer. It inhibits her to be honest, funny and teach us life lessons. If you are worried about what Jillian writes about then don’t read her blog. But please don’t gossip behind her back. Be an adult, speak your mind to her face. She just publicized that I am dyslexic, a bad speller, and date bad men……its all true. I am not going crying to all my friends…I want her to be successful…and I think that her real friends should too.
    Jillian…now who is going to be in trouble???
    Love you


    1. Hi Mouse,

      See, if only I could be as entertaining as you. Why is it that I always mess things up?

      I guess my challenge is to try to write truths in a more positive light and not when I am balancing knives by being a good mother while writing about putting the house on the market all the while trying to lower my expectations from my friends.

      When I’m good I’m very very good and when I’m bad I get into a whole lotta trouble.

      I love you and your ability to see humor in my writing. I guess we will always be connected!


  4. We suffer from the same condition – trying to please all the people all the time, and failing at it miserably! (When am I going to give that up?) I have gained some perspective and forgiven myself for some of my crazy mommy moments. ‘You did what?! Are you serious?! Watch my head spin 360…. (then regret) Lord,, I hope they don’t need therapy later on because of my scarey face. And I hope a good north wind doesn’t blow right now.’ Kids need a bottomline, they NEED boundaries, that’s why the push and push. And dump their backpacks. If you make a mistake, simply apologize, kids need to learn what it is to be human,too.


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