Hootie-Hoo stayed home with me yesterday. What is it about children that they fall sick on the days that their mother is planning to take off? I mean really, wheres the sense of humor in that?
When I realized that my most needed day of recovery from my treacherous week was not going to happen I looked up to the Universe and had a little conversation to anybody who would listen, “I really want to know, I’m being serious now, did I do something terribly wrong in my previous life or even in this life that I am unaware of?”
I definitely have made some foolish, selfish moves that could invoke bad karma like leaving Hootie-Hoo sleeping in a car to race in and get a Chai Tea from Starbucks, which I shouldn’t have been spending my money on in the first place. But the temperature was perfect inside the car for a sleeping baby and I was feeling rebellious. When I came out of the store with my frothy, delicious cup of decadence my heart leapt into my throat as I was met by a fleet of policemen with lots of questions. It was no fun trying to convince them that I was actually an incredible mother and not abusive and that all I wanted was a little reward for living a life that was NOT ABOUT ME.
Maybe it was the time that I backed into the parked car forgetting as always about my huge bike rack. In a rush, as always, I left the scene. Never good to crash and dash, is it? But after investigating the rusted dent already there, I was certain it was not me who caused it.
I never did get any answers from the powers that be and so I changed my mindset and spent the day jumping on top of Hottie-Hoo, staring into his incredibly luminous eyes and dark lashes?and making him giggle. When we weren’t rolling around together I resumed? to? the multitude of phone calls I had to make to desperately try to avoid plunging further into debt.
When I received the email that I was invited to go away for a weekend of indulgence with my good friends I bent over and slammed my head against my desk a few times arising with tears of frustration for the lack of money. After all, if I did get a job, all the money would have to go to daycare where somebody I didn’t know would be raising my precious cherub.
I wrote an email that made me feel slightly better and pressed send:
[su_box title= Go Without Me]
I have reached the dark and diaphanous pit of my bank account, and have no money to join you this weekend. ZILCH, NADA, flat out broke like a kinda gimme, buy me , do me kinda broke. I got no bling. I got nothin’ to offer.
Although, spending a weekend with you and yours; spaaing it up, reading,? hiking/running and consuming major amounts of alcohol sounds over the top appealing, I shall have to pass it by and drown at home…alone… in my sorrows.
[/su_box]
Every month bankruptsy hovers over us and? I contemplate selling a child to pay our mortgage. It gets more and more difficult to remain positive and I have nothing left to fall back on.
Just as I swore that I would never be one of those moms who talked about bowel movements, I also swore that I would never let money come in between Baddy and my relationship. But life is not black and white and Baddy and I are struggling to hang on to each other and everything that we are responsible for. It was far easier to control conversations about babies than it is to control our spiraling finances.
On the bad days I think about how the best way to save money would be to take Hootie-Hoo out of?those few days of pre-school.?If that happens I cannot possibly write with him at my heels. If I lose my freedom to write than I will most likely lose my sanity and if I lose my sanity than I will lose my husband and if I lose my husband than I will lose my babies who will blame me for everything and if I lose my children than you may as well shove me into a box with a huge weight on it and throw it overboard.
Sometimes I cannot believe how numb I have become to all the negativity that I am confronted with month to month and sometimes I spend my time driving with blurred vision as the tears role down my face. I know that we are not alone in our struggle, everywhere I turn I witness other families struggling and I cry for them as well.
Other times I look at the way the light hits the Autumnal wild grass turning it a beautiful and earthy shade of gold and I marvel at the low lying clouds hugging the mountains in their soft embrace and I get filled with an intense happiness. I still have my husband, my children, my mother, my sisters, my friends and all of our health. I live in a beautiful place, I can rely upon nature to be my Prozac and I have a good sense of humor that I can call upon at any moment to help me through the tough times.
So pfffft, just ignore me, I’m fine actually. It’s just that my friends have told me that I should write a little more about the adversity in my life and not sound so goddamn happy all the time. So there it is. Do with it what you may!
Jillian's Real Life 
Confirmation that we all have our ‘shit’ and no one’s life is perfect You’re soooo not alone on your journey baby!!!Bravo for putting it out there…do you feel better now? I LOVE YOU xo
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Megan, Elizabeth, Jessica and Seana,
Thank you so much for your words. We all feel pain and often it feels so overwhelming but it is friends like all of you who help me through these times. What would we do without positivity and friends.
I feel so fortunate that I have made such wonderful friends online and Seana, I feel that it has brought me closer to you as well I only wish that I saw more of you.
Your words and your spirit stay with me and coach me through my writing.
Thank you all for your love!
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I think what’s the hardest in a situation like this is the realization that no matter how “alone you aren’t” or “relieving it is to express your sorrow”…..your physical, fiscal, how we live life situation….doesn’t change. And once you come back from the aaahhhh, I’m not alone relief, you’re back where you started.
So I won’t lament with you. I will only say that your pain will hopefully be watched over and relieved. In times like this, we have to believe there is a better reason than ourselves for that to occur. As you wander through your beautiful nature, keep turning over rocks. They’re bound to spit something good up at you. 🙂
Have a wonderful weekend.
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I totally understand every single thing you said. You are not alone. More people should talk about it. It helps everyone. Millions of people are in your situation. It’s horrible. We have moved out of it now, but I am still there emotionally. It’s so painful and sad.
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I love all that you write about, Jillian, so thank you for being honest & sharing. I learned a few years ago (or was it just last year?!) that one can be a joyful person and still have bad days laced with fear, depression, addictive tendencies, what-have-you. We survive – all of us. And we do so by talking aloud to ourselves and to each other about the good, the very good, and the sometimes bad.
You’re not alone, and as you saw by looking around, you’re very blessed. You live a rich life. I’ve been reminding myself to (as a blog I read earlier this week suggested) LIVE FROM A PLACE OF NOW ABUNDANCE! I give thanks, like you did, for what I have now, rather than worrying about what won’t be there in a few weeks.
Sending good, loving thoughts your way! And if you need some chai money, I can send you a five spot in the mail. (When it can’t be about the big things, sometimes it just has to be about the little ones.)
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yuck 😦 Hope things work out for you.
One way that I save money is with coupons. I don’t mean a little. i mean a lot. There is a great website that I go http://www.hotcouponworld.com it’s a message board with lots of posters 🙂 I’m cookie on there. I don’t get anything but a star next to my name for referrals. Anyway, I love getting free groceries. Hope you do too 🙂
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You live in one of the most beautiful places in the world – a place that so many millions of people dream about living and plan their whole lives around trying to make that happen. I know you don’t take it for granted but do try to remember that. Better to have the adversity THERE there almost anywhere else in America!
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Yes, beautiful but we pay a high price to live here.
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Thank s for sharing. Unfortunately many families across the country (and the world) are suffering economic hardship. I try not to talk about mine on my blog because it is my escape from it. I am truly grateful for all the good things that we DO have.
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
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Hi Jillian!
It takes more courage to say what you just did than it does for people to go on and on ad nauseum about their bliss. I applaude your honesty. I’m frankly bored by some blogs for what I feel is reguritated pablum. YOURS is real! Thank you!!!
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You are no alone! We have been through similar financial struggles since I had Joe and became a stay at home Mom. We didn’t plan for the huge (okay, not HUGE lol) drop in income, so it hit us hard. The stress is worse than anything because it laps at both your sense of security and your personal freedom.
None of us are as happy as we seem, Jillian. I just don’t usually post when I am not happy, unless it has to do with struggling to write with two small kiddos running around.
P.S. I am one of those Moms who talks about poop. If I could stop I would, but I can’t. And I fear it will only get worse. Sigh.
P.P.S. Remember that all things are cyclical. In my life, I’ve found that if I don’t get bogged down by how “unfair” things are and give in to negativity, but focus on trying to work love into situations, they usually resolve themselves quicker. I used to be a very angry person, watching jerks and people who step on others skate through life. It didn’t compute. My head nearly exploded with the nonsense of it all, and trying to fight for justice. When I stopped fighting for justice, and unburdened myself of the responsibility of righting the world’s wrongs, I found that my personal power increased tenfold. Or at least it felt as though it did. And that’s all that matters, right? Hang on there. It will be okay.
P.P.P.S. I know I’m rambling nonsensically, but I got up at 4am and I’m all wiggly woggly.
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Hello Heather,
I agree, I normally don’t like to discuss my financial struggles on my blog but I do like to test the waters with my readers to see what they like and what they don’t.
I also agree that life is much more enjoyable when you live it with love. Anger and bitterness only makes for a miserable life.
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Hi Jillian,
I followed you here from your post ‘Critiqing My Writing’ from my place from which you followed from Heather. Did that make sense? 😉
I didn’t willingly stop working, but after a year I can honestly say I have not felt as happy as I do today. Money is getting tight, I have no job prospect, but I am optimistic and happy. When the time is right I will find the right job for me.
It’s good to put it out there on occasion. It helps to remind us what is really important and all things work out as they should at the end of the day. 🙂
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Preach it, sister, thanks for the candor.
On another note, we are living “reverse” geographic lives- I, too, met my husband in Aspen (well, Snowmass)- he was the cook where I waitressed at Pinata waaaaaay back when in our preemptive retirement (we will now be working until the age of 110- I will be a greeter at Target and he at Home Depot). We now live north of Boston with our 2 little ones, our barely standing home (“home” not “house”) which we scrounge monthly to cover in order to retain “consistency” for our kids!
It’s tough times, these days. And hard to break away from the “visions of grandeur” I had and have for myself and my life. On the other hand, the ordinarily dailiness of life is the stuff of longevity and hopefully it’s acceptance brings maturity and contentment. At least that’s what I keep telling myself…
Toodles- live my life for me out there and I’ll contend with being far too “Western” in spirit here in New England!
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